To him

To him:

I don’t know if I’ll ever get you out of my system, not completely. I have…this feeling. That you’ll always be there. Here.

Yours Always,
you see me rollin’, you hatin’

P.s. Get out of my head already

Sabotage

I can’t even remember how it was like to look up to you. Growing up, I’m not sure if you were ever the figure that gave me inspiration, motivation and made me a better person. If I remembered correctly, you were always the pit in my stomach, the grey clouds in my head and the source of all my sorrows. You started everything and you ruined it. Tell me; why would you start something you cannot finish?

Maybe I’m being a selfish brat. That I should consider all the sacrifices that you’ve made for me. Everything you’ve lost for me. But you chose this. Aren’t you supposed to make these sacrifices with a light heart and a smile on your face? Aren’t you suppose to want to this? Why does doing things you’re supposed to do, makes you bitter and scornful? Am I all that bad? Was I something you didn’t expect? Just an extra luggage? Was I not real enough for you.

Bitter. You were bitter. A lot of darkness and vanity. Lies. You can spin off tales in a second. I find it hard to know what’s real and what’s not real anymore. Why is image so important to you? Why is it that you have to become someone you’re not? Why do you give up so easily? Why can’t you lose your pride to keep anything? Why do you make fake promises? Why do you lie? Why do you try so hard? Why are you so brutally useless? Why did I have to sit there through everything? Why did I have to go through that? Why did you torture me the way you do?

Why do you hate me?

You always know how to crash through my defenses and take me down. You would give me high hopes, just maybe 15 min of joy just to ruin it and tear it down. That’s worse. Hope does as much evil as it does good. Why would you pick on my insecurities and hurl insults at every chance you get? Why do you always make me feel like utter shit? No matter how good I try to be, I’m always never good enough. Always wrong. You’re always so immature, childish. You don’t have faith in me. Tell me. When have you ever been right? Never.

And now you try to pick up the pieces. But it won’t work. Because I’m not letting you in. Ever. You’re no one to me now. I guess I’m still the same. Just as unforgiving as ever.

Hope you finally see the light.

Yours Always,
you see me rollin’, you hatin’

Same new year

8 more days till I’m back in UK! I don’t know whether I should be excited or sad. Excited because I get to see all my friends or sad to leave my ‘home’ behind. Although there wasn’t much to do here and I was frankly always bored out of my mind.

But only 2 days to the new year. It gets old right? How people make a big deal of the new year coming when tbh, nothing really changes. You’re still the same person you were 2 days ago. The only thing that changes is the calendar.

So here’s to the new year. And nothing much else.

Yours Always,
you see me rollin’, you hatin’

I’m fat. Let’s party.

That guy is obviously my role model.

Fat. Fat is a strong word. I bet I would be writing a lot on this topic. Every single girl in this world has ever felt fat. Seriously. She could be 40 kg and she’d be crying about how fat she is.

Hell, there’s not a single day where I don’t feel fat. Where my arms are too flabby or my belly isn’t tight or my thighs are jiggly and my face is too chubby and I’m growing a third boob or something. And not to mention the people who call me fat. Hey it’s not like I don’t know my flaws, you can stop bringing it up now. As if I need people to rub it all over my face. I think it’s cool to joke around but idk, it’s a bit insensitive for guys to call girls fat, no matter what the conditions are. No joke.

But tbh, I always end up with this argument; why be offended by something that’s not offensive?

I’m sure there’s nothing wrong with being fat. Chubbier than usual but that just means you’re one of the fortunate ones who are able to have food served.

I know I want to lose weight (thanks to those who have been calling me fat, you’re a constant motivation). Whether I actually need to lose weight to be healthy is another question. I guess I’ll never know.

I’ll update soon.

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Boys, boys and more boys

Boys. I love boys. Boys are my obsession. They’re always on my mind. Bad boys. Good boys. Lost boys.

Guy best friends? Check.
Boyfriend? …

Hi. I’m just another girl who is in love with idea of love but fear commitments. I’m not sure if the fear of commitment is the right excuse though. All I know is that one second I’m interested and the moment they show any signs of returning the feelings e.g. flirting with me, doing sweet stuff, calling me beautiful, dedicating days for me, telling their friends about me, their friends teasing about us, or asking me out, I get really terrified and scared. Then I run. I run. Far far far and away. Because it’s scary and unknown and a mystery. The touching. Especially the touching. I sort of live in my own little world where I limit the touching. As in, I can touch you but you touching me takes years of patience and trust.

Lame I know. Forever alone tendency. Maybe arrange marriage still works in Indonesia? Other wise I’d be hopeless.

Maybe I should try working on being attractive before I worry about filtering guys.

Sorry, just a quick thought.

Yours Always,
you see me rollin’, you hatin’

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New Year’s Resolution

 A NEW YEAR A NEW ME WOO HOO!

Ok dont punch me just yet, I was joking.

But it doesn’t change that fact that I, Astrid, actually pin pointed some poorer areas within me and is planning to change. A tad bit. A lot. Boohoo.

1. Try to be more confident.

The way I carry myself. The way I feel about myself. Try to stop doubting myself, you know? I want to be able to pick out something to wear without worrying about what people will say. I want to say things that are funny to me and not worry about it being funny to them. I want to voice out my opinions, loud and clear. I want to be able to walk alone with my head held high, not caring about what people will say about me. Like being able to gym without being awkward. Or morning jog without being hesitant.

2. Commitments

Like I said in my previous blog. But also on more practical things, like committing to my gym/study/eating plans. Committing on my friends and boys per say.

3. Time Management

Hi 5 minutes in the morning feels like 10 seconds so fuck where did my life go. Sleep earlier, wake up earlier and go for BREAKFAST. Breakfast is crucial. LISTEN TO YOURSELF. Plus, while you’re at it, please get a 2014 planner and actually make use of it. It’s not there to look pretty. After prep, if you promise to study then please don’t go to the west end and eat a toastie (you promised never to eat after 8 pm). Maybe come up with a study plan when you’re feeling nerdy. Don’t cram for Saturday tests omfg they’re the worst. P.s. probably will fail but at least you tried.

4. STUDY

For SATs. For AS Levels. For EMPA. For Assessed Practicals. For coursework. For LIFE. Aim for 90s not 70s. (hate how I’m leaving my insatiable party life to sound this nerdy so un-astridy)

Aim for the moon and if you fail, you’ll at least reach the stars.

5. Be grateful.

CLICHE ALERT! But seriously, please do. Stop asking for more, maybe you have less than the person next to you but I can assure you that you have more than A LOT of people in the world. (that means enough shopping and demanding, an iphone 5 is just as good as the 5s)

6. Be opened.

Let people get to know you. Update old friends and family.

7. Feel again.

Stop being ignorant and numb to everything just because everything is better for a while. They will always be right behind you. Fix things. Discover yourself. Find out who you are.

8. YOLO: TRY EVERYTHING ONCE (at least)

No caption required

9. Commit (BIG WORD) to something new this year

I was thinking body combat. I really want to learn to punch someone and fire a gun.

10. Stop being so insecure.

2014, please be good to me.

Yours Always,

you see me rollin’, you hatin’

Hey there

Hey, it’s almost a new year (four claps to welcome the rise of 2014 – surprisingly, we survived the Mayan’s curse) and I found myself lying down on my bed with hair in a messy ponytail and mix matched pjs trying to overcome my biggest fear: commitment (I kid, I’m scared of lots of things).

I wear my heart on my sleeve. Where’s the sleeve? non-existent. My shirt says peace but that’s what I can only ever hope to feel.

Honestly, I never expected to be caught in one of these soul seeking, self-service situations, where I don’t know who I am. This is just too cliche and out of a book/movie, but here I am; sixteen, currently studying up north with the sheeps in UK and my favorite part: all alone. And maybe that’s why. I’m in a new country, and like I said before and now I emphasize; ALL ALONE, surrounded by different people from all over the world with different cultures and whatnot, and with so many things surrounding me, I feel like I’ve lost touch with myself and I am struggling to find out who I really am. I think it’s just that so many people are different and I find myself respecting all of them, sometimes with a tint of green in my eyes and I end up wanting to be them, then I start to fold myself around them, and then another great person walks in and I mold around them as well. But truth be told, I am not clay. I’m supposed to be myself. I can’t keep molding myself around them and expect to be original or someone great. Like what everybody says, you can only be great when you’re yourself, because great people are originals or something like that. I know it seems like I’m talking in circles, well because I am.

I don’t know why it matters though. It’s not like the said person of my past is any good. I think she’s actually pretty shitty. Shitty. She’s insecure, bitter, hurt and angry. She can be a bitchy pain in the ass too. She laughs a bit too loud and is an extremely private person. Swears like a sailor and fluent in sarcasm. She doesn’t share nor does she care. And to make matters worse, I connect to her every time I go back home.

Well I think that’s enough for one day. I know tumblr is the new craze right now but I rather be somewhere more quiet. Plus looking at tumblr can be depressing and a bruise to my self esteem.

On the brighter side, I’ve decided to put my commitment on a higher pedestal and try to be committed to this blog for the next few years (hopefully). I just hope that this will be my constant among everything that grows and changes around and within me. P.s. this isn’t the first blog I have promised to stay true and blissfully loyal to.

Love Always,

you see me rollin’, you hatin’

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